I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
