Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
