i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
