The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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