he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
