I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
