then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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