dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
