Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize