I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
