i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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