what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My ass is underappreciated
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
