She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
