Say something about gay babies.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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