Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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