I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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