was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
