I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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