so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
