I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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