i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
They took my balls.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
