i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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