I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
