There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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