Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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