matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
