Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize