someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
