you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
