I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
