If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
