the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Farmville is her only friend.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
