i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hippo gnu deer
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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