I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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