dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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