The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
