I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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