I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
