I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
this is an emotional support booty call
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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