it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
