I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
