Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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