In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
