I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
