Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
