Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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