I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
