if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
