you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
