My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
