I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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