I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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