Umm I'm too high to move.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize