It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
