First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
