I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
