someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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