Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
